While accepting the maker’s claim the saving of paper contributes to preserving the rainforests, I’d sooner be lashed to the top of a mahogany tree as Brazilian loggers circle with buzzsaws than experience that again.

In the absence of roads in the Keralan Backwaters all haulage is by lake or canal and with profit margins thinner than the locals, overloading is the norm. These two are shifting sand for construction with a freeboard that would have Samuel Plimsoll turning in his grave. Nifty bailing with a handy saucepan is the only way to prevent sinking from the wake of passing rice barges which is maybe why the skipper’s taken up smoking.

After shooting a feature at Calcutta’s Future Hope School which rescues street children from Hell-on-Earth slums, we felt ready for R&R in Pondicherry, staying at a colonial gem in the French Quarter described in its brochure as ‘a hotel that never ceases to surprise,’ a claim born out as we entered Room 15 when a rat ran past our feet, under the bed and into the bathroom, causing Alex to immediately down her remaining Gynergene tablet, preciously reserved for severe migraines or rodent sightings, while I had to settle for a stiff lime and soda to aid recovery – being dry for nearly a year now, this proved the greatest test of resolve to date.
Once Alex’s eyeballs re-aligned and a new room was found free of wildlife we dined alfresco and, mindful of the Basil Fawlty episode, I suggested we skip the Cheese Platter lest opening the savoury biscuit tin produced a second sighting.

If tired of our tabloid’s sleazy Premiership reporting, you might savour The Times of India’s Woosterish account of Sunday’s match, (above), at the Rajasthan Polo Club….

‘The very thought of a Cavalry versus Piramal clash can give you goose bumps. There will be adrenaline rush, some nasty tackles, a push here, a shove there. The rival players are close friends off the field but on the field, no one will give up an inch without a fight.
The Sunday clash assumed extra importance since the two are meeting for the Mount Shivalik Polo Challenge Cup. As expected, the fireworks were there and Cavalry pipped Piramal 5-4 in a thriller; much to the relief of talismanic Tarun Sirohi, Cavalry’s main sniper:
“I was so excited that I had my blood pressure measured immediately after the match,” said Sirohi in a post-match chat.’

(Former colleague Vincent Mulchrone of the Daily Mail, the King of Intro’s, produced his best on the eve of the 1966 World Cup when he wrote, ‘West Germany may beat us at our national sport today, but that would be only fair. We beat them twice at theirs.’)

But what subject could adequately introduce the anarchistic, archaic, madness that is India, where half the nation ignore the red tape created by the other half, creating a billion-strong circus that somehow works?

Salvation came today with news of Punjab taxi driver Harpreet Dev who in 2003 found his Fiat drove only in reverse so – being Indian – he adapted the gear box to have four reverse gears and one forward, painted ‘Back Gear Champian’ on the side, and now drives only backwards at speeds up to 50 mph, thanks to a special government licence to reverse anywhere in the State. Thanks Harpreet.