The image of Yoko Ono in her big glasses flashes on television for a split second but enough to chill the stomach and take me back to a March night in 1986 photographing her notorious Starpeace European Tour in Berlin where you were soon aware of entering a dark, dark place as she forgot lyrics, confused the running order, and offered world peace rambles to punctuate her indescribable singing. As the restless crowd shouted vainly for Beatle standards, the embarrassment grew more tortuous till around the half hour mark I started asking if was I put on Earth for this, did I need money this badly, would the family ever know what I put myself through so they could eat, praying for some miracle to free me from the unbearable present, and finally losing the will to live.
Such Yoko moments might involve people or places and vary in length of incubation before the urge to self-mutilate. For what it’s worth, here’s my Will-to-Live Countdown. Let me know of any omissions …
| 18 hours | Falkland Islands |
| 5 hours | Gibraltar |
| 4 hours | Economy cabins |
| 90 mins. | Ikea |
| 70 mins. | Watford Gap |
| 50 mins. | Tate modern |
| 45 mins. | Dagenham |
| 30 mins. | Yoko Ono |
| 15 mins. | Dan Brown |
| 12 mins. | Monopoly |
| 8 mins. | CNN |
| 5 mins. | BBC3 |
| 5 mins. | BBC24 |
| 3 mins. | Stockhausen |
| 2 mins. | Fado |
| 2 mins. | Bagpipes |
| 60 secs. | Modern jazz |
| 50 secs. | Wind chimes |
| 45 secs. | Sly Stallone |
| 35 secs. | Barbra Streisand |
| 30 secs. | Harp |
| 20 secs. | Bono talking |
| 15 secs. | Hugh Grant |
| 14 secs. | Mime Artists |
| 13 secs. | Mr. Bean |
| 12 secs. | Paul Daniels |
| 10 secs. | Paul Merton |
| 8 secs. | Lee Evans |
| 7 secs. | Hugh Grant (stuttering) |
| 5 secs. | Ant |
| 5 secs. | Dec |
| 4 secs. | Ant and Dec |
| 2 secs. | Mike Myers |